I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
