just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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