we have pet lesbian snakes
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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