i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
