Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
