The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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