Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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