No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dating After Heartbreak
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.