I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
bring money and cleavage
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?