im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.