My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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