I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
