remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
