2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
