: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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