When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
