Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Say something about gay babies.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
