Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
