when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
