Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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