I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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