grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
