I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if only i could text you this smell
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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