Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is wine microwaveable?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
