I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize