The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
