Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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