Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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