im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
