after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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