new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
