Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
