Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
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You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
where are my eyebrows?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize