If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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