can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
