I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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