I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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