Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
