is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
