I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
