It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
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Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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