You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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