ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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