We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I want to be your penis for a week.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
