Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
