He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
