Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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