Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
