I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
