I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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