She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
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The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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