Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize