nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
