o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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