final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
