she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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