just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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