On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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