If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
