Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
