did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
