You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
